Happiness

I started thinking about the meaning of happiness lately. I remember about six months to a year ago I read an article stating that children decreased marital happiness. It cited an in-depth study they had conducted and all of these “happiness factors” they measured and judged to come to the conclusion that children complicate life so much that their presence in the marital equation sucked happiness away. Recently I read another article about a couple that decided not to have children because they looked around at their married friends and decided they weren’t happy, they were less healthy, and so on.

Now that we have two kids that seems really weird to me.

You see, I feel pretty happy–probably the happiest I’ve been my entire life. We’re not where I thought we’d be after law school and all, but we are in a fun place and things are going well. When I think about that study I read, I absolutely have to acknowledge that some of the things it mentioned are true. There are more stresses in life, less time to ourselves, and things are typically more complicated. We’re forced to plan better just so we can have a good time if we choose to go somewhere on a Saturday.

It’s funny. This one time before we had any children I remember Tonya and I went to the Washington D.C. temple. When we got out, Tonya made a joke about heading up to see Brent and Jenny for the weekend

So we did.

We stopped up at Philly and bought clothes and stayed, no planning at all. We could never do that now that we have Natalie and Hazel in tow.

And so my question is this: Now that we have kids and we can’t be that spontaneous, does that mean we have a de facto happiness quotient that’s lower than what it was?

That’s apparently what the research and conventional wisdom say. I mean, it just makes more sense that less time plus extra responsibilities equals a lower level of happiness. So I was thinking about all this when a scripture occurred to me:

For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so, my firstborn in the wilderness, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility.

2 Nephi 2:11

This week I saw something on facebook that I really liked–something that Jenny posted about luxury was being able to plan a menu in silence. Her comment made me smile and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I think that’s when everything I’ve been typing about so far finally clicked for me.

I think having kids–especially a two-year-old–is like 2 Nephi 2:11. Kids make ups and downs possible. There’s a greater likelihood for sadness, conflict, and just plain being worn out. But there’s also a greater chance for happiness, joy, and peace.

If there’s no screaming two-year-old, there’s also no silence when she’s sleeping. Or at least, when there is silence, you appreciate it so much more.

Sure, I might think it would increase my happiness to sleep in late on a Saturday morning, but there’s also something fun about having Natalie come in at 7AM (or much much earlier), climb up past the covers, start bouncing and then say “Jumping on the bed.”

It would be nice for my lifestyle–and my waist line–to come home and just jump on my bike every day before dinner–FYI, I discovered I love biking last summer. But lately I come home and if I want to go biking I have to hook up the kiddie-trailer so I can take Natalie with me. I can’t move as fast on the road, and we can’t bike as long or as far because of the extra time and inconvenience of hooking it up, getting Natalie settled, and so on. On the other hand, it’s super cool when Natalie yells “Wheeeee” behind me or points out things along the road: “Flags” “Doggies” “Choo choo.”

Most of the time though I just opt to hang out with Hazel and Natalie or cook dinner while Tonya chills with the girls. As much as I like biking, I like Hazel and Natalie and Tonya more.

I’ll also grant you that my happiness is a choice though. I mean, I guess I could consider it all an inconvenience. To be honest it’s not entirely fun to have a two-year-old try to climb on you when you’re trying to concentrate on something or type on the computer. But that’s why I think happiness is also a choice. Instead of just shoving Natalie away when she tries to exist in the same space as me on the couch, I’ll pull her up and hold her close. And that’s the kind of choice that I have to make on a regular basis.

I have to choose to go with that flow and be happy in that moment with my kids, or not. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s perfectly acceptable to put your kids to bed early so you can have some alone time too. But I think that making the choice to drop what I’m doing and focus on others instead has made happiness possible for me in life after children.

I’m definitely not perfect about this. I definitely get annoyed, feel stressed, and feel lots of pressure. I don’t always pull Natalie close–I’m not always in a good mood.

But I wasn’t always in a good mood before children either.

So I don’t think children make marriage any less happy than anything else that could happen in your marriage. Mainly I think children intensify things. They can drive the lows lower and the highs even higher. It’s always sad to leave my family in the morning, but my kids are the only ones that cry about it. And it’s nice to come back home in the afternoon, and while Tonya smiles at me and gives me a kiss, Natalie is the one that screams “Daddy!” and tries to climb up me. So yeah, kids make everything more intense.

I don’t think I had a point to my post, except to voice some thoughts running through my head lately and to say, proudly, that I am happier with kids than without.

I think I’m done now.